I’m not sure how qualified I am to speak on certain matters, however like everybody else, I’m still learning, I’m still growing, and I’m still making foolish mistakes that I’m supposed to be advancing from. I continue to tell stories that have etched sketched their ways into my memory, I continue to battle mental breakdowns that sometimes make me their baby back b*tch, and I continue to have stirring conversations.
So in the mean time, between becoming virtuous, and absorbing every ounce of wisdom I’m hoping to be implanted with, I’m going to stuff these pages with what I’ve come across thus far.
A topic I’ve pondered, discussed, and argued in favor for is the sentiment of “not needing someone, but just purely wanting them.” The feedback varied, heads were nodding, shoulders were shrugging, “but-what-ifs” were fired, and the conclusion.. well, the conclusion is up to you.
When I say “need”, I’m not referring to the standard romantic needs that implement the vital harvestation of nourishment and growth— the kind that bonds two people in a relationship. Such as sharing common interests, caring, supporting, nurturing, and having different favorite colors when it comes to candy so you can avoid sugar fueled feuds of who gets the last red Sour Patch Kid.
These days, if I have the slightest consideration to be in a relationship, I’d like to aim for two complete and independent wholes. Like peaches and cream. Both ingredients taste great on their own, but when mixed, some tasteful magic happens. I don’t need you to fulfill me, and you don’t need me to fulfill you. I am a complete and independent person on my own, and as are you. We don’t need to complete each other, we should simply complement one another. I want the unification of two intact wholes.
As emotion-driven humans, we allow ourselves to fall into people patterns. And by people patterns I mean the habit of turning to various people when we feel like we need to gather reassuring words or actions from an outside source that comes in the form of a person’s praise and presence. What happens when that person is no longer willing or able to provide you with the assisted aid of heart-felt reassurance, and the transitory wholesome compassion and support?
For the sake of a healthy relationship; the ability to choose a person in an unadulterated state of desire is immaculate. When you want a person, you have the ability to choose the love you want. When you’re in need of someone, you settle with who’s willing to cooperate.
When you have the ability to choose, you’re inviting a person into your atmosphere for the simple fact of wanting to love them. For the simple fact of wanting to know them on a deeper level. For the simple fact of wanting to share time in co-founding a bond filled with memorable nights, long-lived days, trust, risible inside jokes, care and compassion, kisses so sweet you won’t even want that extra cookie, and more importantly, some quality scare-cam and slap-cam vids.
When you need a person, the reason(s) to it may mix and match in a way that mold into your own rationale.
Let’s say you need this person because they’ve become a form of emotional support. Kind of like a metaphorical booster seat; they prop you up when you’re not capable of doing so yourself. They hold you when you’re weak, and they’re available when you need to talk. Their comforting words have become a fundamental stabilizer to all of your arrested episodes of apprehension. And somewhere along the way, you became dependent on their subsidiary sources of warmth and compassion.
However, depending on another person to keep you coloring inside the lines of sanity has the undeniable potential to trail down a precarious one-way path, heading straight towards sh*t storm central. Let’s be real, if this hypothetical plug is pulled, and those timely doses of empathy that you’ve become habituated to are no longer delivered, you might end up feeling like a hopeless puppy dog abandoned by its caretaker.
Let me make a note of this, I’d really be sending the wrong message if you’re currently thinking to yourself “Okay is this chick from the internet seriously trying to tell me that I shouldn’t turn to my partner for emotional support. Bye Felicia, you have no clue what you’re talking about.”
No. Stop right there. Felicia is not telling you to shut out all your emotional needs. Felicia is trying to tell you that relying solely on one person to be your rock could become quite taxing for the other person. Yes we should care for each other, yes we should be there for each other, yes we should discuss how we feel. No we should not lay all of our baggage on one person, no we should not expect them to make things a little less shitty every time something upsets us, no we should not expect them to always give us solutions to our problems, and no, we should not make them feel responsible for fixing us, when we ourselves, are the ones holding a one-of-a-kind glue that only we have access to.
Of course people can make us feel better for a moment, but feeling better for a moment is equivalent to the idea of a band-aid and a wound. The band-aid is there to add to the process of healing. If there are unresolved issues, or parts of you that are broken, then sure, it helps to have a person be that figurative band-aid. But the real solution is within you.
You are the medicine, you are the stitches, and you are the healer. You can’t fix others, and others can’t fix you.
Okay so what if you “need” this person for an alternative reason. Let’s say this reason is validation. He or she makes you feel smart or attractive, and belonging to them makes you feel important. Because without someone telling you you’re smart or good looking, and that they need you by their side, you might convince yourself that you’re not smart, and that you’re not good looking, and that you’re not wanted or needed.
We can be our own bullies at times, and it’s quite easy to believe the bad things we tell ourselves rather than firmly believing in the good things we tell ourselves. A well known line from the movie The Help goes something like “you is smart, you is kind, you is important.” I know, I know, in the movie, Aibileen reminds the little girl she watches after with these words, because she is a young girl, who may not yet know how smart she is, how kind she is, and how important she is. As adults, sometimes we have to be the ones to remind ourselves of our own worth. We must not wait for others to define our worth with their words and actions. Be a firm believer in your greatness. Your mind, body, and soul is a collective piece of art. Praise can feel good, but praise is also wildly worthless and empty when you only believe it to be true if it’s coming from the mouths of others.
Maybe you seek a relationship because it’s distracting. Being in a relationship to help distract you from whatever it is you’re trying to avoid can lead to added anxiety, stress, and depression . You don’t need distractions, distractions are everywhere you look. You need to focus on what you’re distracting yourself from. Don’t dig yourself into a hole to later find out it’s too deep to work yourself out of.
Take a step back, recenter yourself, your motives, and your desires. Your body is a temple, choose with a clear mind, body, and spirit.
I want you to know that I already believe in myself, my worth, and my vision. I want you to believe in yourself, your worth, and your vision. I want you to know that because I don’t need you, it doesn’t make it any less desirous. The act of wanting is pure, unadulterated, and comes from a natural state of infatuation.
I’d like to say— for the record— I really don’t need you, but I do want you, and I’d love to have you; and ultimately, that is far more pure than needing you for self inflicted reasoning. I am whole, I am sure of myself, and I know that all by myself, I am complete.
But you, you’re the pleasantly sweet breeze on a sunny day that makes me want to stay outside a little bit longer…